Pictures On Oak

This isn't something I've talked a whole lot about. I mean, yeah, a few vague poems and brief mentions in various posts... But I haven't really talked about it even though basically everyone that reads my blog knows about it, to some extent. Since like three people read it, that's not hard to say. But I guess it's hard to admit to myself and anyone on the internet that it's a problem at times. God has brought me incredibly far in four years... But there's always room for more improvement, right?

So, cutting...

((Note: I hate terms such as self-harm, self-injury, self-mutilation. I cut, okay people labelers? Got it? It's something that really bothers me... Comes from years of being self conscious, stiffing up at comments, and countless jokes at "cutters" expense.))

Over the months since the fall things with it really have been better. The counsel I got really was helpful and changing. Although I guess lately I've let myself fall back into a pattern.

This pattern often starts with: Allowing the thoughts in. Marveling over scars and such... Then leads to craving it. I then ignore the knowledge and conviction that God hates this. Then I begin wishing and wanting. Then it comes to where I am right now... Putting it on a pedestal. Worshiping it. Regarding it as some amazing thing worthy of my praise, admiration, and time.

Have I really come back to this? Have I so easily forgotten the love of Christ? Do I so quickly try to replace Him? Have I really spit in His face and said he is not... ENOUGH?

Yes... I have...

I have forgotten that Christ detests these things. Not so very long ago I knew, but we are quick to forget because of our sinfulness.

I love hate cutting.

It does not bring me pain.

I will NOT worship it.

Something I have noticed in myself is that in my search to know more and feed my desire... I have been reading blogs, tumblrs, and other such unhealthy internet sources. A common thing I see in most posts is that cutting is a disease. They act like we are the victums and it is a dease with no cure. PSH. We are only enslaved to it as much as any other sin. True, I struggle with this daily and it's no easy task to fight it. But feeding the mindset that I can't help it and I'm the victum... Is NOT helping. It's pushing me back to a place I never need want to go back to. It's lessening my sin for me. 

But no! I want to take full responsibility in this. I want accountability in it. Especially the internet thing right now. Because it is no disease. It is sin, plain and simple.

It's hard to see through oak, so I'm trying my best to paint a picture for you.  


(the fictional posts I've been doing will continue soon... didn't want anyone confused with them...)