Major Guilt

Part 2
When I awoke I felt so groggy. It made me wonder how long I had slept. I looked around at the dull walls that were still dripping of water and remembered where I was. It was even more disconnecting to wake up here a second time. The water on the walls were evidence of the wave... But it felt so very far away and fictitious. The very real memory of my father's death reminded me that it was true. It had to have been real because my father's death was still the only thing that I knew about myself. 

I slowly got to my feet and my head began to spin. I wondered how long I could stay here with out any food or water. There were no hunger pains or signs of dehydration but that couldn't be right. I had already been down here for... I realized I had no idea due to my long sleep. 

Irritated, I began walking down the center of the hall when, as quickly as before, I could feel a strange stiffness in the air. I froze and tried breathing in the air, it seemed fine, but just as I exhaled a strong pressure slammed into my chest. I staggered backwards and found myself on my back unable to move! A heavy weight seemed to hold my body down and I was trapped! I couldn't move, I couldn't speak... I could just be. I couldn't escape this weight. I couldn't do anything about it. I had to accept it and wait it out. I knew this and yet it terrified me. I tried to wiggle free and I tried to jerk my arms away, but it was useless. 

Time passed and nothing seemed to change, sleep evaded me and things were beginning to become too much. This whole thing seemed too familiar, like it had happened to me before. Like this was nothing new, but it was equally terrifying the second time as the first. 

My best friend and I had been on vacation and we had new tans and so much excitement and zeal for life. Everything we had ever dreamed and imagined was coming true. There was nothing like being seventeen. I still remember the moment it happened. We were in my dad's small work car and I looked over from the driver's side just in time to see her beautiful self yell out a few lyrics to whatever song was popular at the time and smile her last gleaming smile. I remember specifically the clock read 2:43 and just as I looked back to the road I caught a glimpse of the three becoming a four... The rest was a blur. There was metal on metal... There were sparks... There were screams... But worst of all, there was blood. More than I knew was okay... 

I shuddered violently, the only movement I had made in hours. I knew exactly how I had felt this before. The months after to my best friend's dead had been paralyzing. Why had I been the one driving? I could've been the one to die... I know that's what her parents wished. It's as if they blamed me, even though the accident was far from my fault. The pressure that pressed me down every night to where I couldn't move, the weight that never seemed to leave... The guilt, it never left. I knew it was my fault and there was no forgiveness. 

The pressure eased and I wished it back. I didn't want to have to decide where to go from here. It was easier when I had no choice but to lie here unmoving. So I merely pretended. I pretended there was still a weight holding me down, because in all honesty, there really was.