I woke up this morning with the warm sun on my face. I stretched out and just lay there feeling rested. It was a beautiful moment, I'm sure you can understand. Then, as I slowly sat up, I saw my room. For those of you who haven't ever been in my room... It's disgusting normally. But for those of you who HAVE experienced my disgusting room but have no been in here lately, you still don't understand. It's gone beyond okay. It's gotten to the point where I can't stand to be in my room so I just go elsewhere. This is a terrible weakness and bad habit of mine. So, when I saw my room my first words of the day were, "Okay God I'll do it!" I half yelled in an exasperated tone.
You see, this has been a great conviction of mine quite a lot. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, it's just a room that's dirty... But no, not to me. I have this ever-present analogy in my head of my room and my life. They're very parallel and similar... I know this, and so I have chosen multiple times to ignore God's urging to write it out. I have ignored it because when it's on a page for me to read, I can't ignore it. Sadly.
To me, I look at my room and I see my life. Let me explain:
My room is normally A MESS. It's such a mess that it's too overwhelming to start cleaning. Sometimes I will start and after folding a few articles of clothing I get so discouraged and upset by the gross condition I have allowed myself to live in... That I leave. I don't even want to look at it. My thing is that I can't just "clean my room" but I have to do a deep cleaning and organization if I'm going to take the time to do anything. So, that is a scary task and I run. Sometimes when it's a mess.. A friend will encourage me to clean it, maybe even helping or offering moral support. That's always greatly welcomed. Because sometimes all I need is for them to walk me through the cleaning process one thing at a time. My problem is often that I try to do it all at once and, let's just say, that doesn't work.
So then we get to a point where... MY ROOM IS CLEAN! It really makes me happy to sit in my room when it's clean. It starts off well. I go out of my way to keep things neat and orderly. I put everything away that I use... I enjoy being in there and it just makes life easier. Well, you might ask why I don't just continue with this... Well, I'm human... I'm fallen... I have a sin nature. Are those good excuses?
Maybe I have five minutes to leave for work and I rush into my room and peal my pjs off and jump into work clothes and I then scramble right back out the door. As I'm making my way down the steps I realize... Wait, I left my dirty clothes on the floor? I'm TOO BUSY right now, I'll get them later. I walk in later that night completely exhausted and see the clothes. It's only one pair, I'll get them tomorrow. It's not a big deal.
WELL, tomorrow runs around and I'm late for church... I can't find anything to wear, so let's empty my dresser drawers on the floor. But don't worry, I'll clean it up later. Ha, right Taylor...
This goes on forever... I make excuses and I convince myself that I'll fix it or clean it later. It's not the end of the world, it's ONE thing. Then slowly my room has become a disgusting place that I hate being in and I certainly won't let others in.
Starting to see the parallel? This is how I live my life! It's too scary and overwhelming to clean up... I try and fail because I can't do it alone... Then someone comes along and guides me in it... We get things cleaned and organized and things go so well. I'm making sure to keep everything organized in my life... When I have a fight with my dad. I sin. But God, I had an excuse! It was just one time, we can talk about it later.
Someone hurts me, I run to other things to satisfy me. But God, don't worry. It was one time, I'll introduce y'all later. I'm sure you'd like each other.
I've done this time after time! Like my room, it disgusts me, but I don't want to have to deal with everything at once and since I'm normally too prideful to ask... I continue living in this filth. That is sin... And for me, it is wrong for me to let my room get this way because to me, it is a sign of how lazy I am being in my life. It's not only an analogy to me... The condition of my room is often a sign of the condition of my heart.
Guess what I'm doing on my friday night? Anyone wanna come help? (:
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