Uncomfortable Realizations

-Written Spring of '09
Breathing
We were as easy as breathing,
Time passed with no meaning of consequence,
But no matter how much time we were given
There was the constant exhale and need for more.
Because you cannot live on one breath alone,
But you must be continuously taking.
I had finally received the brother that would always be there.
 
Somewhere along the way the easiness became too difficult for you,
You didn't want the sister you had made countless promises too.
Pulling away was all you knew to do,
Cutting off my oxygen would kill what you no longer wanted.
I now sit choking,
Waiting for the inhale I so desperately need,
Knowing it won't come in time. 


Today I found myself sitting in a room with my cousin bored out of my mind. I didn't have another class for a few hours and we were waiting, hungrily, for our friend to go to lunch. Out of pure boredom I turned my ipad on and began skimming through my old poetry. I jokingly read a few aloud in a dramatic manner to get my cousin laughing and, soon enough, BEGGING me to stop (Poetry isn't something he and I share a love for). 
  
I smiled at him as I scrolled through them and read the vaguely familiar words. Familiar because I remember reading them, but so distant because I felt I didn't know the person that had written them. She no longer existed, but had become someone else. I read a few to myself when I started to notice a pattern. Sadness grew in my heart as I continued to see a theme... They share deep hurts of loneliness and rejection... Fear of being unloved and pain of being pushed aside. There was a gnawing ache that had burrowed into the words and still left a sting in my heart as I read them even after so much time had passed. There was a brokenness and a fear of being alone and never being cared about... 

I was saddened by this... I realized that after this long list of poems with those themes... There was a silent period in my poetry library. I stopped writing. I mean, there was a poem here and there.. but nothing like the others. Then there were a few more recently about topics more similar than I would like to admit. But, for the most part, I never resumed my poetry writing. For awhile I couldn't get enough of it. I seemed to write and write and have no end to my inspiration... 

Today as I looked upon them I was hit with a realization. I believe I stopped for fear of others knowing I still had these feelings and fears. I think I have lied to myself and I'm still afraid of even myself knowing. But the past few weeks have been more than enough to prove that I still struggle with these feelings. Most of the time I fail to seek contentment in these areas from the Lord. A few weeks ago I was offered the opportunity to enjoy love and comfort from another human being. Something that is such a precious gift to me. I had missed the touch of someone that took away the loneliness. It was a hard thing to realize that this person... Liked me? They weren't rejecting me, they were doing the opposite. Although I truly did care for this person I know I took advantage of the situation because of the love and acceptance I craved so much. I jumped at the opportunity because I wanted it so badly to be the RIGHT thing to fulfill me. Even though I knew the entire time I was dead wrong in what I was doing... There was a longing for someone to want to love and care for me that I refused to let anyone fill because of past hurts... Even God. I've kept that part of me hidden even from Him, or I tried to. It's hard to admit... Because I have been hiding it for so long, even from myself. 

I don't want to lock that part of me up. A part of me that is so precious to me... I'm not keeping myself protected by doing this, I'm doing the opposite. I'm hurting myself and the Lord. I'm not allowing Him to be that lover and great comforter. I'm robbing myself and, most importantly, GOD.