I don't understand how to keep a balance. No matter how hard I try, one out weighs the other and that doesn't work. When things are great between us and I'm doing what you expect of me down to the dot and getting rid of things that just make you irritable towards me, YES, things are GREAT for you... but the stress takes over and these lonely thoughts beat down. A forbidden desire burns brightly and there's no one to share it with... because I'm obeying.
But when I'm keeping myself in a position where I'm safe and in a stable place... You yell and scream and I'm not meeting your steep expectations. You're angry and no matter how I try... You aren't happy with the decisions I'm making. So, I clam up and don't have the things that eventually make you angry... I isolate myself, which is supposedly a good thing to you because there's no way I could disobey you. If I'm utterly alone, what ways are there to break the many rules you put upon me? So I'll just sit here strapped down and in my secret isolation I'll embrace the only friendship you've left room for. Because I can't walk this line alone, but that's all you've left me with.
I know all my crying and honesty is simply me begging for attention in your eyes, but if I was begging for attention I'd tell it to your face. So now I remain just a bothersome voice trying desperately to show how I feel in the most vague of terms, but I know to you I'm just rambling on about things you couldn't care less about attempting to hear or understand.
I'm just letting you know that I'm human too. I struggle with things in secret just as much as you. And the high expectations you measure me up against, yes, the ones I continually fail in... Those feed them.
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